Wrong Response to the Suffering of Others

A Wrong Response to the Suffering of Others

Have you ever expressed your emotions surrounding some difficulty you were experiencing, and the listener gave a “quick solution” answer? How did you feel? Responses such as  “God will take care of you,” or “God has a reason for this,” or (sometimes not verbalized)  “You must have some kind of sin in your life,” or “If you had only ____, you wouldn’t be experiencing this.”

God has given us a powerful case study of ineffective responses to those who are suffering in the book of Job. In Chapter 3, Job had gotten to the lowest point he had experienced so far. He began to express his emotions to his three friends who had been sitting with him silently for 7 days. Wisely, those first seven days they saw “his suffering was too great for words.” (Job 3:13).  After seven days, Job, in his desperation to express what he was feeling, began speaking, wishing he had never been born. He states “What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come to be. I have no peace, no quietness. I have no rest; instead only trouble comes.” His friends began to respond with ineffective words. Eliphaz used two types of responses typical of how we might respond to someone struggling in the midst of a difficulty. He reported what he saw that has happened in the past (which contains truth), and he gave his theory about why Job was suffering (which contained partial truth).  Neither of these responses really helped Job.

Job 4:3-6 Eliphaz said “In the past you have encouraged many a troubled soul to trust in God [true]; you have supported those who were weak [true]. Your words have strengthened the fallen; you steadied those who wavered [all true]. (5) But now when trouble strikes, you faint and are broken [true]. (6) Does your reverence for God give you no confidence? Shouldn’t you believe that God will care for those who are upright?”

In Job 4:3-5 Eliphaz expressed truth–a description of the behavior he had observed in Job. As counselors, we often explore the behavior of the person. But rather than move from that exploration to giving an empathic response, Eliphaz began to speak his own thoughts and ideas.

In verse 6 he expressed two ideas that were his own theories. His first idea assumed that Job’s negative emotional responses meant he had no confidence in God.  Eliphaz didn’t express exactly what he believed Job should be believing God would do, but his second statement alluded to God taking care of Job materially and physically.

Obviously, in the midst of losing everything, including his health, Job didn’t see evidence of God taking care of him. Eliphaz’s second idea “that God will care for those who are upright” was an incomplete understanding of God and how He works. The theology of suffering in the Old Testament Jewish community that was commonly taught was based on the idea if you avoided sin, you would be blessed. Eliphaz continued to flesh out this idea in Job 4:7-11. No doubt there are numerous passages in the Old Testament when God states that blessing will come to those who obey him. However, the idea of what a ‘blessing” is may have been misunderstood. There are numerous servants of God who experiences long periods of not being “blessed” materially or physically (Abraham, Joseph, and Moses, to name a few).

Even if Eliphaz had only spoken his observations (verses 3-5), he still did not respond to the emotions of suffering Job was experiencing. Job responds with resistence to Eliphaz’s comments. Job 6:5 “Don’t I have a right to complain? Wild donkeys bray when they find no green grass, and oxen low when they have no food. (6) People complain when there is no salt in their food. And how tasteless is the uncooked white of an egg!”

How could Eliphaz have responded to Job’s suffering? An empathic response would have been something like “Job, your suffering is beyond what any man could deal with. This must the most difficult thing you have ever experienced in life. I can’t imagine the depth of despair and hopelessness you must be feeling.”

As Christian counselors, we must evaluate our responses to those who are suffering, and be sure we don’t fall into the trap Eliphaz illustrates.

Suffering and fear

The topic of suffering is one of the most difficult issues counselors deal with when working with clients. Not only do we not have the answers for their suffering (why, how long, is God really loving if He allows this), but we don't even have the answers for our own suffering.

One of the most powerful biblical characters who speaks about suffering is Job. Each year as I read through the Bible, I am always astounded when I read the book of Job. His whole experience is so extreme, his response and the expression of his emotions and thoughts are so raw and real, that the story always impacts me.

I have been thinking a lot about Job and the expression of his emotions. There is a rich variety of emotions across his story that gives us much to think about as we, as counselors, consider how to help people express and handle their own emotions in the midst of suffering.

One of the first things I noticed was Job's fear. He correctly "feared" God (Job 1:1), which seemed to have the impact of helping him stay away from evil. But he also seemed to be almost consumed with a fear for his children. (Job 1:5) "When these celebrations ended--and sometimes they lasted several days--Job would purify his children. He would get up early in the morning and offer a burnt offering for each of them. For Job said to himself, "Perhaps my children have sinned and have cursed God in their hearts." This was Job's regular practice. (NLT).

One of the notes I wrote next to this passage several years ago was "Prayed regularly for his children." How great that was...I am a strong believer that we need to pray frequently and fervently for our children. But recently as I read that passage, I was struck with the fact that he was also fearful for his children.

Sometimes the suffering we experience is magnified by our fears. One client I worked with was so fearful about her children and mistakes they might make that she was unable to love them with a tenderness and accepting love because she was constantly correcting them and was rigid and harsh with them. As is often the case, her teens began responding with pulling away and some rebellion against her values, since they didn't feel connected to their mom, or valued by her.

As I think about my own experiences of suffering, I can see how fear often has impacted the intensity of my suffering. Recently our financial situation changed substantially, and I began struggling with fear about financial security. My fear caught me "off guard," since across the years God has taught us what a wonderful provider He is. As I've examined this fear more closely, I've come to realize that it is not really about not having the necessities of life, but more about giving up the "extras" we have had for a few years. I know the energy it takes to live on a tight budget, and I think perhaps my greatest fear is related to the dread of having to expend all that energy in keeping track of spending.

When I write that fear down, and think about it, it almost seems ridiculous. Of course, there are also the fears of not being able to go see my Dad (who lives some distance away) with the same frequency, as well as my children and grandchildren, or the sadness of not being able to invest financially in the lives of students and others as we have done in recent years.

Unspoken fears have a way of haunting us emotionally. They hang over our head and often feel like a dark cloud following us around where ever we go. When we go through a test or event involving suffering, I think we all benefit from identifying any fears that are related to the experience, and talking to God about them, even as Job talked to God about his fears for his children.

What are you fearing today? As you learn to identify your own fears, and learn to submit those fears to God, you will become a better counselor for those you work with as they struggle with their own fears.