Have you ever felt like you have "lost your first love?" (Revelation 2:4). While Christ was speaking directly of the love of the Ephesian's church toward him, there are many couples that come to counseling and feel that they are not "in love" with their spouse anymore. One of the secrets to maintaining that ‘first love" is commitment. Commitment, one of the strongest and most obvious factors in God’s love for us, is reflected powerfully in the idea that marriage is an earthly picture of how Christ loves the church. Commitment is also the 4th factor essential to bonding for a couple in Van Epp’s RAM model.
The heart of commitment has been described as "how you belong to each other in the relationship" (John Van Epp).Van Epp goes on to remind us that commitment produces a "resiliency in marriage that strengthens a couple’s ability to cope with stress, required separations (military duty, etc), and difficulties. But, it "must be more than a vow made those many years ago. It must be translated into daily promises and actions." What a great description of God’s commitment to us and our commitment to Him! In the same way that commitment produces resiliency in marriage, commitment to God, and an assurance of God’s commitment to us produces resiliency for His children in dealing with the difficulties of every day life. It is essential that we remember that we "belong" to God (Mark 9:41; Romans 1:6; Romans 14:8; 1 Corinthians 6:19-20; I Corinthians 15:23; 2 Corinthians 10:7 –just to name a few).
For many years I have thought the heart of biblical marriage, the truest definition of love, is the concept of "commitment." The vows that were used for many years in most churches reflected this concept in the phrase "til death do us part." We committed to love no matter what financial difficulties, physical illnesses, or emotional pains came in the relationship. In a study of how people would describe love and commitment, researchers discovered that about two thirds of the words used for commitment were also used as synonyms for love.
Dr. Scott Stanley (sometimes known as Dr. Commitment) has done extensive research on commitment. He believes there are two sides of the coin of commitment: 1. Dedicated (devoted) commitment and 2. Constraint commitment.
1. Dedicated commitment is the sense of connection, of desire to stay together (bonding)–no matter what happens. Most couples experience this type of commitment in the beginning of their relationship, but it tends to come and go, and can be impacted not only by the quality of the relationship but also by emotional ups and downs most individuals experience. Brain research has revealed that there are several neurotransmitters that impact our sense of bonding or dedication to each other.
"In humans, oxytocin is released during hugging and pleasant physical touch, and plays a part in the human sexual response cycle. It appears to change the brain signals related to social recognition via facial expressions, perhaps by changing the firing of the amygdala, the part of the brain that plays a primary role in the processing of important emotional stimuli. In this way, oxytocin in the brain may be a potent mediator of human social behavior. ‘That’s why oxytocin is sometimes called ‘the love hormone,’said MacDonald. ‘It’s said that the eyes are the window to the soul…they certainly are the window to the emotional brain. We know that the eye-to-eye communication—which is affected by oxytocin—is critical to intimate emotional communication for all kind of emotions – love, fear, trust, anxiety.’" (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080208172104.htm)
It fascinates me that eye-to-eye communication produces oxytocin, and that God has instructed us to focus on Him. In Matthew 6:22-24 Jesus speaks about the eyes. "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness! No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." Jesus connects the importance of where our focus is and where our commitment (devotion) will be.
After losing his sight when Jesus spoke to him on the road to Damascus, and regaining his sight 3 days later when Ananias came to him, Paul prayed for believers in Ephesians 1:18 "I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints." We must focus our eyes on Christ to truly know Him.
Hebrews 12:2 tells us to "fix our eyes on Jesus." The more we focus on Him, the deeper our commitment and devotion to Him will be.
Because the chemicals in our brain come and go, husbands and wives do not always, every day, feel a strong sense of "devotion" to each other. Some days I just don’t feel very "loving." Fortunately God created us in such as way that our commitment is not dependent only on a set of chemicals in our brain. He saw the need for another side to commitment. Constraint commitment (the second side of commitment identified by Stanley) includes the impact of those issues that might keep us committed to our marriage even when our heart is not in it. It would include things like not leaving a marriage due to what the family, co-workers or friends might say, religious beliefs or convictions, staying together for the children’s sake, or even fears of the financial impact. As Christians, husbands are commanded to love their wife as Christ loves the church. Wives, although never directly commanded to love their husbands (wives are commanded to respect their husband), would certainly fall under the command to love your neighbor as yourself. When the sense of commitment due to desire (devotion) waxes and wanes, constraint commitment will often keep us in the relationship until the difficult time passes. Constraint commitment based on our beliefs and convictions about what the Bible teaches can enable us to keep acting in loving ways even on those days we don’t feel very loving.
Of all the factors involved in the bond and connection for the marital relationship, commitment is probably the most reflective of our relationship with God. He loved us–committed to us-- before we knew Him, and before we loved Him. Romans 8 is a beautiful picture of the depth and strength of God’s commitment to us. It ends reminding us that "neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any power, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39).
Not only is there nothing that can ever separate us from His love once we have become His child, but He is always with us. (Matthew 29:20). The most common rationale people give for wanting to get married is to not live this life alone, to have a companion to go through the experiences of life. We always have Christ with us, no matter what we face, what we experience. Marriage is one of the closest reflections here on earth of that wonderful experience of having someone with you to face life.
When a couple or even one partner in the marriage "feels" like they are not "in love" anymore, constraint commitment will enable them to stay in the relationship and to keep acting "as if" they loved their partner. Love in the scriptures is described in I Corinthians 13 as a set of actions and behaviors. Words like "patient, kind, not envying, not boasting, not self-seeking, keeping no record of wrongs, protecting, trusting, hoping, persevering" are all actions that we can chose to do or not to do. These are the words of love, but also of commitment!
These same concepts of commitment in marriage are essential in maintaining a healthy relationship with God. My challenge to you and myself is that we continue to work at keeping our eyes on Christ and our spouse, and we recognize we have the ability to "chose" commitment in our everyday behavior whether we feel like it or not.
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Reliable
Reliability is the third factor Dr. Van Epp places in the Relationship Attachment Model that will enable couples to maintain healthy connection.
Reliability is trust put into action. When your mental image of a person is accurate, they will (unless there is an unusual circumstance) follow fairly closely what they have told you they will do. If you ask them to pick up the children from school, they are reliable to do that. If they said they will be responsible to vacuum each week, they will do it most weeks. You know that they will do what they have said they will do.
Across seasons of life, levels of reliability can shift. For example, when a new baby is born, the new mom may not be able to complete the responsibilities she has previously been completing, and may need to rely on the husband more for some of those tasks. When the husband opens a new business, he may need the wife to complete certain tasks for him in the new business. A lack of reliability almost always begins to break down the level of trust between a couple.
How is reliability reflected in our relationship with God? Most of us, if asked, would quickly say that God is reliable. At least in our prefrontal cortex (that part of the brain that reasons and makes judgments) we would assert that God will do what He says he will do. But when it comes to everyday life, we often doubt that God will do what He says He will do. God says He will provide our every need. The children of Exodus doubted Him when they were thirsty, and began complaining and grumbling, instead of asking God to provide for their needs. They had already witnessed great miracles from God, including the plagues in Egypt and the parting of the Red Sea.
We often are quick to doubt God, and not believe that He is reliable. When we need something, and don't have the money to meet that need, often our first action is to get out our credit card and go purchase whatever we think we need, instead of asking and waiting to let God provide. When we are in a difficult or painful situation, instead of crying out to God to comfort and strengthen us, our response may be to complain and do whatever it takes to run from the circumstances, or to numb our pain in some way. Our behaviors betray our words that we believe we can rely on God. Is He able to direct the decisions of my boss or supervisor? Is He able to direct the heart of my husband or wife? Can I rely on Him to use even painful losses or illness? Putting our trust or faith into action is one of the behaviors that pleases God most. (Hebrews 11:6 "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
I wonder how reliable we are for God? As Christians we claim to be His servants. But how often do we bring disgrace to Him for our un-Christ-like behaviors and attitudes? How often do people think "If that is what being a Christian is all about, I'm not interested."
To have a strong bond, a strong attachment between myself and God, I need to believe that He is reliable and I need to be reliable to God. I am convinced that God is reliable...He always is who He says He is, and does what He says He will do. But I need to work on my confidence in that and be sure my life reflects that belief. And I need to evaluate my own behavior and attitudes....can God rely on me?
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Trust
A second factor in the marital relationship that is important in maintaining a healthy relationship is trust.
As mentioned in the previous blog, time is an important component in knowing someone. However, for many couples, the issue of time can also be a disadvantage, because once a strong image of "who the other person is" has been established, across time it is easy to become lazy, or distracted by the busyness of life and not continue to grow in "knowing" each other as you change through life. Suddenly the partner may do something not consistent with your image of them, and trust is broken. This especially becomes obvious when one spouse is no longer open about what is going on in their inner thoughts and feelings, both good and bad. Usually you realize a sense of being "shut out" from your partner's inner heart, but may not know how to change what is happening.
Often a partner that gets involved in an affair will say, "We just grew apart, and were no longer connected." The partner not involved in an affair will say, "I don't know him/her anymore." By this point the relationship feels dead, and unless both of the partners are willing to work on rebuilding their relationship, the marriage is likely to end.
Trust is not only necessary in issues related to faithfulness, but even in areas such as being truthful regarding finances, expenditures, parenting, and many other areas of marriage. When a partner makes it unacceptable to fail or to have a different opinion, it becomes very hard to be open so your spouse can "know" you. No one likes to be critized or mocked, so many will withdraw rather than risk a negative response from their spouse. The lack of feeling accepted shuts down your willingness for your partner to know you.
So how do these patterns of knowing and trust parallel our relationship with God? We know trusting God (also called faith) is of great importance to God. Hebrews 11:6 reminds us that "without faith we cannot please God, for anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek him." He desires that we trust Him. What is our mental image of God? Is He who He claims to be? Is He truley there, as He says, even when it appears He is not? The difference between my mental image of God, who He is, and whether I can obey Him (even when it seems like a bad thing for me) will be the measure of my faith. If I truly believe God is good, and always doing what is best for me, then I will be able to obey Him even when He asks me to stay in a painful place or obey at the cost of a sacrifice.
To know God at this depth of trust, I must continually work on my relationship with Him. God is so different from us, even in a lifetime we will never fully know Him. As we move through the varied experiences of life we get to know a different side of God. When I have a financial need, I learn more about His provision, as well as His wisdom about the differences between my needs and wants. When my heart is broken over some loss, I learn about the depth of His comfort, and His tenderness. When I fail, I learn about His mercy and grace. When I face a task beyond my ability, I learn about His strength and power.
Without really knowing God, I will not trust Him. When a person begins his or her relationship with God and decides to commit themselves to God, there is an excitement about the new Savior. But the growth of faith requires an on-going growth in knowing Him, His desires, what pleases Him. Too many believers do not continue to grow in their knowledge of God, so they do not grow in their trust of God either. The relationship breaks down, just like a marriage does. In Revelation Jesus compared it to marriage "You have lost your first love" (Revelation 2:4).
May you accept the challenge to allow your knowledge and trust of God be paralleled to the level of knowledge and trust in your marriage!
Dr. John Van Epp describes trust as a mental image one has of another person. That image includes being fairly certain that you know the other person well enough that when you are not together you can still imagine what your partner might be doing or even thinking or feeling. Obviously the level that you know your spouse impacts the level of trust that you experience.
As mentioned in the previous blog, time is an important component in knowing someone. However, for many couples, the issue of time can also be a disadvantage, because once a strong image of "who the other person is" has been established, across time it is easy to become lazy, or distracted by the busyness of life and not continue to grow in "knowing" each other as you change through life. Suddenly the partner may do something not consistent with your image of them, and trust is broken. This especially becomes obvious when one spouse is no longer open about what is going on in their inner thoughts and feelings, both good and bad. Usually you realize a sense of being "shut out" from your partner's inner heart, but may not know how to change what is happening.
Often a partner that gets involved in an affair will say, "We just grew apart, and were no longer connected." The partner not involved in an affair will say, "I don't know him/her anymore." By this point the relationship feels dead, and unless both of the partners are willing to work on rebuilding their relationship, the marriage is likely to end.
Trust is not only necessary in issues related to faithfulness, but even in areas such as being truthful regarding finances, expenditures, parenting, and many other areas of marriage. When a partner makes it unacceptable to fail or to have a different opinion, it becomes very hard to be open so your spouse can "know" you. No one likes to be critized or mocked, so many will withdraw rather than risk a negative response from their spouse. The lack of feeling accepted shuts down your willingness for your partner to know you.
So how do these patterns of knowing and trust parallel our relationship with God? We know trusting God (also called faith) is of great importance to God. Hebrews 11:6 reminds us that "without faith we cannot please God, for anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek him." He desires that we trust Him. What is our mental image of God? Is He who He claims to be? Is He truley there, as He says, even when it appears He is not? The difference between my mental image of God, who He is, and whether I can obey Him (even when it seems like a bad thing for me) will be the measure of my faith. If I truly believe God is good, and always doing what is best for me, then I will be able to obey Him even when He asks me to stay in a painful place or obey at the cost of a sacrifice.
To know God at this depth of trust, I must continually work on my relationship with Him. God is so different from us, even in a lifetime we will never fully know Him. As we move through the varied experiences of life we get to know a different side of God. When I have a financial need, I learn more about His provision, as well as His wisdom about the differences between my needs and wants. When my heart is broken over some loss, I learn about the depth of His comfort, and His tenderness. When I fail, I learn about His mercy and grace. When I face a task beyond my ability, I learn about His strength and power.
Without really knowing God, I will not trust Him. When a person begins his or her relationship with God and decides to commit themselves to God, there is an excitement about the new Savior. But the growth of faith requires an on-going growth in knowing Him, His desires, what pleases Him. Too many believers do not continue to grow in their knowledge of God, so they do not grow in their trust of God either. The relationship breaks down, just like a marriage does. In Revelation Jesus compared it to marriage "You have lost your first love" (Revelation 2:4).
May you accept the challenge to allow your knowledge and trust of God be paralleled to the level of knowledge and trust in your marriage!
Monday, September 12, 2011
How is your relationship with God is paralleled in your marital relationship?
Dr. John VanEpp1 has identified five primary factors that play an important role in bonding and maintaining relationship in marriage. There is an abundance of research that illustrates the importance of each of these factors. The five factors are: to know, trust, depend, commitment, and touch.
Marriage is a model, a picture, of how Christ loves us, the church. In Ephesians 5:25, husbands are exhorted to "love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." It is only logical that the five factors that enhance attachment and bonding in a couple also play an important role in our relationship with God. In the next few blogs I want to process a little through the impact of these factors, how they play a part in marriage, but also how they reflect our relationship with God. Our relationship with God is paralleled in our marital relationship.
Know
God knows us. Psalm 139: 1-4 "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord."
He even knows how many hairs are on our head (Matt. 10:30--information we don’t even know about ourselves). If I am going to "love God with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind," (Matthew 22:37) I must continually be growing in my knowledge of him. That means learning how He thinks, what He desires, how He has acted in the past.
It is easy to slide into a relationship with God defined by what He gives us and what we give Him. Often our conversations with Him become one-sided with our doing most of the talking. God tells us "I don’t want your offerings, I want your love. I don’t want your sacrifices. I want you to know me" (Hosea 6:6, LB). God created us from the beginning for a relationship with Him. His knowing us and our knowing Him is an integral part of the love between us.
Our knowing God, and His knowing us parallels our knowing our spouse. One of the primary keys to building intimacy is to know someone. If I do not know my partner, how can I truly love them? How can I demonstrate that kind of unconditional, "always looking out for your best" type of love if I do not know my spouse–who he is, what he likes, what his dreams, fears, and hopes are. I cannot understand my partner if I do not know him, what he has experienced in the past and what he is currently experiencing. Knowing your husband or wife is an on-going goal in the marital relationship because we are ever changing, developing, growing, and taking on new roles. We are never the same person that we were 5 years ago–or even one year ago. Life experience itself brings change and development in each of us.
God often allows us to experience a broad variety of life circumstances, and in the midst of those experiences, we often come to know Him in new ways. This is also true of our marital relationship: with each new life experience, we change, and couples have to continue to grow to know each other.
As our knowledge of God-- who He is, His faithfulness and character-- increases, our faith and trust in Him grows. In the same way, the more a husband and wife know each other, the richer their relationship becomes. A great challenge for all of us is to continue to grow in our knowledge of God, and in our knowledge of our spouse.
1Van Epp, John. How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk
Marriage is a model, a picture, of how Christ loves us, the church. In Ephesians 5:25, husbands are exhorted to "love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." It is only logical that the five factors that enhance attachment and bonding in a couple also play an important role in our relationship with God. In the next few blogs I want to process a little through the impact of these factors, how they play a part in marriage, but also how they reflect our relationship with God. Our relationship with God is paralleled in our marital relationship.
Know
God knows us. Psalm 139: 1-4 "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord."
He even knows how many hairs are on our head (Matt. 10:30--information we don’t even know about ourselves). If I am going to "love God with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind," (Matthew 22:37) I must continually be growing in my knowledge of him. That means learning how He thinks, what He desires, how He has acted in the past.
It is easy to slide into a relationship with God defined by what He gives us and what we give Him. Often our conversations with Him become one-sided with our doing most of the talking. God tells us "I don’t want your offerings, I want your love. I don’t want your sacrifices. I want you to know me" (Hosea 6:6, LB). God created us from the beginning for a relationship with Him. His knowing us and our knowing Him is an integral part of the love between us.
Our knowing God, and His knowing us parallels our knowing our spouse. One of the primary keys to building intimacy is to know someone. If I do not know my partner, how can I truly love them? How can I demonstrate that kind of unconditional, "always looking out for your best" type of love if I do not know my spouse–who he is, what he likes, what his dreams, fears, and hopes are. I cannot understand my partner if I do not know him, what he has experienced in the past and what he is currently experiencing. Knowing your husband or wife is an on-going goal in the marital relationship because we are ever changing, developing, growing, and taking on new roles. We are never the same person that we were 5 years ago–or even one year ago. Life experience itself brings change and development in each of us.
God often allows us to experience a broad variety of life circumstances, and in the midst of those experiences, we often come to know Him in new ways. This is also true of our marital relationship: with each new life experience, we change, and couples have to continue to grow to know each other.
As our knowledge of God-- who He is, His faithfulness and character-- increases, our faith and trust in Him grows. In the same way, the more a husband and wife know each other, the richer their relationship becomes. A great challenge for all of us is to continue to grow in our knowledge of God, and in our knowledge of our spouse.
1Van Epp, John. How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk
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